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Movies I Want To See

April 24, 2013

At this point in your life, I’m sure you know what a movie is. A series of moving pictures (now with sound attached!) meant to present characters and tell a story (and I’m sure you could argue that a lot of current “movies” neglect this). Ringing a bell? Yeah? SWEET. So far, so good.

 

[If you didn’t know about movies, but you’re on the internet, you’re either an evolution into a higher state of humanity, or there is something severely wrong with you (probably your memory. Get that checked out), so either;

Congratulations!

Or…

Commiserations, buddy. There are probably treatment options. Good luck, amigo!]

 

One of my common complaints is that there is a startling lack of originality in the movies that are getting pumped into our cinemas. There’s a flurry of sequels, prequels, remakes, reboots, adaptions, etc., parading past is like an army of clones that are just wearing wigs.

The worst part is that we still throw money at them. In their defence, many of these movies range on the Movie Greatness Scale somewhere between Decent and FUCKING AWESOME. I’ve mentioned in other posts that I loved The Avengers, for example.

But you know what my favourite “big” movie that’s come out in the last few months has been? Wreck-It Ralph. It was such an original, enjoyable film. It was great for the little kids (I went and saw it with my 6- and 7-year old brothers, and they LOVED IT), but there were so many giant cheesy winks for us older kids watching the movie, too. Basically, what I’m saying is this… “Original” movies might be a risk, but they often pay off.

So my problem isn’t necessarily with what Hollywood is doing, it’s with what it could be doing.

 

(Just a quick sidenote: when I say “Hollywood”, I’m actually using it as a collective noun for everyone involved in the movies I could see in the cinema, be those producers, directors, actors, writers, extras, janitors who clean movie sets, etc. I use “Hollywood” to describe this group of people in the same was you call a group of cows “a herd”, a group of lions “a pride”, or a group of small children a “shut the fuck up and sit down”.)

We’re getting decent/good/great/amazing movies. That’s okay. But there are some things I want to see. Some movies that I can’t believe haven’t been made already. These are…

 

A decent half-animated adult movie.

Don’t tell me “But Molly, we’ve got anime…”

No.

Nothing against anime, but I mean more American-style animation, a la Disney. I want a Disney-esque movie for adults.

The closest I’ve seen is Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, which was brilliant, funny and one of my all-time favourite movies. If I was a boy, my first erection probably would have been over Jessica Rabbit. I’ve heard rumour of a Brad Pitt movie called Cool World that is a darker, grittier take on a half-animated, half-not movie. I’ve also heard that it sucks.

Why do I want one of these sorts of movies?

Because there is so much potential for awesome. Imagine seeing the characters you grew up with, having also grown up. I have this mental image of a man walking into a seedy club, and there’s a gorgeous blonde pole-dancing. You see her back, and she has a tramp stamp of three cards tattooed across the small of her back. She swings around, and it’s Alice, from Alice in Wonderand. (Click on that link. Seriously. Reowrrrr.)

I promise I’m not a hardcore Rule 34 fetish-ist, I just think little scenes like that would be awesome.

Imagine if our childhoods came with us. I don’t want a Michael Bay-esque childhood rapin’. I just want to see the Disney princesses in their (not so) happily ever afters, I want to see the villains in jails slogging it out and the hierarchy they’d form, I want to see the personalities of the innocent characters I loved as a kid grown up, and possibly jaded, like me.

 

The most generic romcom ever, with the least expected actors possible.

Generic romcom formula;

Boy and girl meet.

There is some reason boy and girl cannot be together.

Reason overcome, “despite all appearances” boy and girl end up together.

Cases in point; Knocked Up, Pretty Woman, etc.

As of late, there have been a couple of “friends with benefits” movies, like, uh… Friends With Benefits. And No Strings Attached. There are probably more. I don’t care. (Except for the possibility of a naked Natalie Portman. SIDENOTE: Imagine Natalie Portman in the Princess Leia slave outfit. Does this make me perverted? I feel like you guys are going to report me to some sort of watch list after this post. I promise I’m not actually this depraved. I just have an active imagination.)

So, let’s take that super predictable story.

Two friends become “friends with benefits”, shit happens, then they fall in love.

Only, imagine it with Gary Busey and Dawn French.

Are you picturing this?

Are you laughing?

You should be. You should be gasping for air. Go and watch this, but imagine it with Gary Busey and Dawn French. Do it. Do it now. Even if you’re at work.

Are you dying of laughter?

THAT is why I want to see that movie. It will be the funniest thing ever produced.

 

Roald Dahl biopic.

Roald Dahl is my favourite author.

Roald Dahl had an amazing life.

Make that happen.

 

A movie where vampires are the bad guys again.

I think the world has forgotten what vampires are.

They’re monsters. NO, they cannot survive off animal blood. NO, they do not just sparkle in the sun. NO, they are not attractive, they are not seductive, humans cannot be happy with them, because humans ARE FOOD.

GOD DAMN IT, PEOPLE, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY CALL IT WHEN YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO KILL YOU?

STOCKHOLM SYNDROME.

Stop it.

The earliest known emasculation of the vampire myth (to me) is Anne Rice’s The Vampire Chronicles. I love the books, they’re so elegantly written… but Rice took her teeth to the vampire’s testicles (for those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, in some places, young male livestock are castrated by humans… the humans use their mouths. You’re welcome.).

Then came Twilight. (That isn’t the movie, by the way. Watch it. Then you’ll understand why I will always laugh when people talk about sea food.)

One of the most terrifying movies I’ve ever seen is ‘Salem’s Lot, based on a Stephen King movie.

Vampires are the bad guys.

Do that again. Because vampires are terrifying bad guys. They’re fast, they’re strong, they’re smart… You KNOW when they catch you that you’re dead. They make excellent bad guys, because they are INHERENTLY opposed to humanity.

Seriously, if you sparkle in the sun you are not a vampire, you’re a man who burst out of the closet through a cloud of super glue and glitter and you have a fucked up blood fetish and a steroid habit.

 

Justice League.

Duh.

 

The ultimate horror movie.

I’m one of those people who enjoy scaring myself stupid with horror movies (a few days after, I laugh at my jumpiness… but the night after I watch The Grudge, I freak out. This was even worse for Grave Encounters).

But what stops being movies like this, and The Ring, being ultimately, lastingly scary is that you realise they’re situational horrors. For Grudge, you have to go to that house. For The Ring, you have to watch the video (what would have happened if they had just left the room? Or turned the video off? Or just never answered their phones?). For Grave Encounters, you have to go to the ACTUAL MENTAL ASYLUM THAT HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE TELL YOU NOT TO GO. If you, after knowing that people genuinely think that place is haunted and that PEOPLE HAVE DIED THERE, still go to that place, well… I’m not saying you deserve to die, but maybe the gene pool does need a little cleaning.

To make something really scary, I think the supernatural aspect has to be emphasised. Movies like Paranormal Activity, while not fail-safely pants-shittingly terrifying, understand that tension and suspense really build up the horror aspects. They also seem to understand that NOT showing the monster made it scarier. In Grudge 2, you see a lot more of the demons/ghosts/spirits/whatever the fuck they are… And they lose their horror because of that. You see their flaws. You start to see possible ways out. That shouldn’t be an option.

Ingredients to the ultimate horror movie;

–          Take out the situational aspect. Make it happen to anyone, any time, any place.

–          DO NOT SHOW the monster all the motherfucking time.

–          Make “safe” things not-safe. I hide under my blankets when I’m scared… The Grudge messed with that. Something like the light needs to be shown to not be a failsafe guard… Take the things we think we can protect ourselves with and make them scary.

Give me a movie that means I will never want to sleep alone again. 

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4 Comments
  1. I think the main “fault” with most horror films is the need to give closure by resolving lingering issues [as opposed to allowing something ill to fester]. Hideo Nakata’s Ringu works because in the end, whether Sadako is pure evil or just sympathetic character remains unknown. Good post. I’ve written something about dread inducing horror films as well:

    http://cinemainterruptus.wordpress.com/2013/04/20/scariest-horror-movies/

    • I agree! There is an underlying mantra in those that make horror movies that seems to go along the lines of “We can’t leave them hanging”. Leave us! Leave us hanging… If we want to be terrified, we’ll watch your movie, and if we don’t, your movie wasn’t made for us!

      I shall go and have a peek at your blog!

      • I think this thirst for “closure” is the result of decades under hollywood system.

        * shakes head sadly *

        PS: Thanks for stopping by! .

  2. Great blong 🙂

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